That's it.
I'm done.
I just cannot win.
I can't.
So, as of now, I officially give up.

I'm tired...I'm just tired. No matter what I do, I can't win. Today, I go to get my car fixed...the blower motor. My dad, thankfully, had one laying around. Great. Even changed my oil. I will pay him back for his time (I picked up breakfast...big deal, $6) eventually. But I successfully got things taken care of without worrying about shelling out my money. Even washed the car at the dealership for nothing. Not spotless, but you know what? Pretty damn better looking than it had been.

Now, about five minutes ago, after finishing vacuuming for about 2.5 hours everything in sight, I sit down to check email...I hear a car accelerate outside, and then hear a slight crashing crack as the car speeds by. Before I could get up to look, I realize, great, my car alarm is sounding...fantastic.

My driver's side mirror, which survived a light tapping months ago to hang by the wires but remain functional, is now in about four dozen pieces all over the street. The main part of it, I couldn't even find when I went to get as much of the glass out of the street as possible. Will the jackass come back? Doubtful, probably impossible. Did I see the car? Sadly, I didn't react quickly enough, even though I was near the window. The fact that I heard it was a stroke of luck anyway, given all the vaccuuming I'd been doing, only to stop to basically hear this.

But it kills me. I lived for 20 years down the street from a tavern (my parents' house), and only once did anyone hit any family car. Now, I live here, where there aren't any taverns on the corner, and I've been clipped twice.

I had driven screws into the thing to hold it on...and as stupid as that looked, it worked, and I successfully avoided having to buy a new mirror, which would cost about $80, part alone. Now, I just want to freakin' cry. Because I can't win.

And it's not even just the money factor. It's like, great, a weight lifted off my shoulders in getting the car fixed, and I get about three hours to relish it, and then something else happens.

I get one damned thing taken care of, and something else falls right in my lap. No matter how much I talk about changing this "money wasting" cycle, it goes on without my consent.

This, folks, is a main reason why I have no money and why I bitch. Because things like this happen, over which I have little to no control. Maybe these things happen to everyone, but man, it sure doesn't seem like it. And I realize that this is obviously, in the grand scheme of things, very minimal...(not direct shots at any of you, just examples...) I don't have to worry about getting shot at work, I don't have to worry about surgeries and my health (to an extent), I don't have to worry about being treated like horseshit and phased out at my job and I don't have to worry about much that's all that important.

But this is like getting beaten up psychologically. And that's not easy when it's a continual pummelling.

This is not to mention the fact that I wasn't in the mood for this...given that I threw out my lower back this morning...so my back is sore and now my brain and psyche as well.

I did not post this for pity, is the point of one of the above paragraphs. I posted it because I need to vent. I need to tell someone, and since I'm a journalist, well, this is my journal and I will write it here. You can read if you want, or continue on with your lives. Either way is fine...it has served its purpose.

If you haven't, try to catch ESPN's SportsCentury on the "46" defense. It's damn good. It's all about Buddy Ryan and Mike Ditka's issues and the dominance of the defense. It breaks it down and everything. It's pure gold.

Oops. I fell asleep at Gina's house and didn't wake up until 1:30am. Damn. I had wanted to go home and clean up a bit around the house and find out the latest on today's plans, since tomorrow is Butch's birthday. Oh well...I guess I'll take care of that stuff tonight, before we all head to McGee's to celebrate.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll take my car down to my parents' place and get the blower motor replaced. I hope it's simple, because I'd like to be back to help Butch clean up...and I'd like to clean my room. Not that anyone should be going in there anyway. Whatever.

Should be interesting, as the new "enemy" I spoke of a week or so ago will be at this party tomorrow. Apparently, plenty of folks are pissed at him. So we'll see what happens...hopefully nothing. I just hope that things go OK. They should, but who knows?

At any rate, a busy weekend is in store, as I'm trekking back up this way to Ingleside, where a coworker lives, to watch the Super Bowl with the folks from work. I've promised for the past few years that I would get out to this guy's party, and I've always wanted to go. But I always got invited elsewhere first. This year, I said Gina and I were going, so we are. It should be a good time though, no doubt about that. And hopefully we'll get lucky with some of the Super Bowl squares we've bought.

Live from Roscoe Village, where Gina lives. I'm taking a break from helping her grade papers. Actually, I'm about to go home. I spent most of the evening with the SuperNovas. PolishBasia made delicious chicken pot pie for us and taught me what to do for my new part-time gig--data entry for her company. It's not a lot of work for not a lot of money, but it's money I don't have now, so it will be well-appreciated. So thanks, PolishBasia...you're the greatest. :)

Then, Husband of Barb allowed me to use his garage and tools to take a look at the blower motor on my car--the heater, for you laypeople. It's been grinding really loudly on and off. I had a feeling it was busted, although the heater continued to work fine. I thought maybe it was just loose, and I'd seen my dad work on that part before. So I crawled under the dash on the passenger's side and removed the panel to find metal shavings coming out of the blower motor when you turned it on. I left it alone at that point, knowing that a blade inside must be bent or something, but that it was going to need to be replaced. Thankfully, my dad may have an extra one laying around. That would be nice. Until Saturday though, I still have to live with the annoyance of the grinding (which is really loud and annoying, believe me) or without heat in the car at all. So thanks, Husband of Barb, you're the greatest too! :)

OK then...that's about it for now. Gonna take off soon, because I'm getting tired myself.

Well, yesterday's swing class and post-party was not easy by any stretch of the imagination. We learned "closed position"--basically swing dancing up close instead of at arm's length. Not easy--because you're nudging her away from you while trying to step back on your opposite foot...my mind plays tricks on me and wants me to step forward instead of back. So it'll take practice, practice, practice.

Green Dolphin Street was cool. Expensive, indeed, but cool. Gina and I tried to dance a couple of times, and we did OK. She danced with the instructor dude, who danced with all the girls from the class. All that did was show me that I indeed am the one who sucks and needs practice, because, like, even the worst girls in the class looked good dancing with him. So, basically, I need to learn how to lead better and be more assertive. Whatever...we're signing up for the next class, which starts next Wednesday already...but we have to practice more...we have to.

I like rediscovering music I own. I couldn't find, for the longest time, my copy of Nine Inch Nails' "Pretty Hate Machine." But I found it the other day and popped it into the CD player at home. What a great album! More mellow than anything else they've done, really...but it rocks at times too.

Ah well...back to work I go.

Usually I feel refreshed after getting a haircut. Not so much today. I went and got my hair cut at lunch, and they took a decent amount off. But I don't feel "refreshed." Maybe that's a sign of a bad barbershop/salon? Maybe next time I'll go back to that salon I went to in the summer, Robert Jeffrey. They did a good job...but I will go to the one that's closer to my apartment, two doors down from McGee's, actually. In fact, after checking the Web site, I've discovered that the Webster location has MONDAY HOURS! Of course...now that I work on Mondays in the offseason. Figures. Well, maybe if I go there, then maybe I'll feel more refreshed. We'll see...

Man, if this keeps up here at work, I'm going to punch someone in the freakin' face. I've heard nonstop B.S. about me taking a snow day yesterday from my coworkers...I know that mostly they're ribbing me, but it's like, Jesus, like you never take a day off? Also, I worked from home and got what I needed to get done. There's these undertones to what they're saying that I just don't like...like I was lying that it took as long as it did to go the distance I did and that's why I turned around. Fuck that. They keep it up, and I'm going to snap.

Check baby, check baby. One, two, three, four. Check baby, check baby, one, two, three. Check baby, check baby, one, two. Check baby, check baby one.

Dammit Gina...thanks a lot for getting that song in my head...son of a...

Watched "24" today...honestly wasn't that surprised by the "surprise" ending this week. Whatever...there is a dumbass plot line with Elisha Cuthbert's character (she looked better at last year's Golden Globes, so I'm putting that link up instead. :P ) going on now though...like, totally impossible. I'm patiently awaiting Luis' giving up on the show because of it...because it's almost stupid enough a development to make me just throw something at the TV. For the love of God. Otherwise, the show, which won at least one Golden Globe this weekend (I saw that part only), is fan-freakin'-tastic as usual.

Tomorrow, I return to work...Gina and I have our final swing class and then we're headed to Green Dolphin Street, where a swing orchestra plays on Wednesday nights for our "graduation party," as the instructors have called it. They say we should be good enough at that point to dance there if we want. It's funny, because I saw the place when I first moved up here, rather randomly, and looked it up and told Gina I wanted to take her there for dinner sometime. This was before the class, of course. So now we get to go check it out without worrying about dinner...we can scope it out and decide if it's dinner-worthy.

Otherwise, I think I'll maybe head to bed early in the hopes that I can get up early tomorrow again, which I successfully did today, although it didn't matter in the end. But first, it's about time I took the ornaments off the Christmas tree so Butch can take the tree down. That won't take long...I have about a dozen ornaments. That's it. So Christmas is officially over. :)

So, see, even though I am a "lazy ass" and stayed home, I worked all morning. I edited and produced a bunch of content for our Web site, which is what I was going to have to do at work anyway. That's why I deemed it OK to turn around and head home--because the work I was going to do mostly was doable at home, without the headache of traffic.

Now I need to go buy a new 10-inch skillet so I can make dinner. And maybe I'll be nice and stop and say hello to Basia and Starbux Princess. Maybe.

I just don't have the patience for it. So I'm home. What is "it" you might ask? "It" is two-hour commute times. It snowed last night, albeit maybe five inches, with supposedly more snow on the way. To get to work would have taken two hours. To get home, probably would have taken more. Stupid people get all freaked out about a little snow. It's not like there's two FEET of snow...it's five freakin' inches. Oh well...jerkos. After going roughly 12 blocks in 30 minutes, I turned around and will do what work that HAS to be done today here at home.

Otherwise, I'll relax today and enjoy the unscheduled day off.

I did leave work early. I got home and had leftovers from yesterday: the tilapia and pasta was good reheated. Thankfully. I then took a nap, which is odd, since I got a decent amount of sleep last night. I then attempted to bunker down and clean my room. Didn't do a good job of it, really. Have gotten some stuff out of the way though...slowly but surely, I guess.

I'm concerned because I cannot find my photo album from NU. I know it's somewhere, but I thought I'd packed it and brought it with me. I guess it's still in Bolingbrook. That's a shame...I'll have to get it sometime sooner than later, so Gina can see all of us idiots in our finest days. :)

I have to go to work earlier than normal this week, b/c they want the Super Bowl stuff up by 10am. That sucks, honestly. But what can I do, ya know?

No dog incidents today. Thankfully. And I didn't get to check the car's blower motor either...it's too cold anyway for me to be playing around outside like that. I guess sooner than later it'll get annoying enough that I'll do something about it.

Oh well...to bed I go, very soon.

Well, I think I might just leave work now, to avoid the certainly terrible traffic...though leaving now I'd probably still not avoid it. It's snowing, it's been snowing, and it's not supposed to stop snowing anytime soon. That's OK, as I like snow...but why during rush hour?

I did not get a chance to look at my car's blower motor yet. Maybe I'll do that toni...nah, who am I kidding? OK, I'll try. But I have to continue to clean my room as well.

I think I'm gonna go. Screw this...Super Bowl week is slow right now and I have no motivation. :)

I was still absorbing it and marinating on it last night, which is why I mentioned nothing of it in last night's blog.

I probably nearly could have killed a man yesterday. Gina saw "bad Andy" for the first time...and probably she's one of the few who have EVER seen me as pissed as I was yesterday.

Gina came by my apartment after her parents' house. I had to let Kazak out. So, as usual, I opened the back door and made some noise to check if the dude's dogs were out. After a couple seconds, there was no sign of the dogs, so I let Kazak go past me. He hurried past...and I sensed something wrong really quickly. I tried to grab him, but I missed...he bounded down the stairs and was face-to-face with the German shepherd. I followed him down the stairs quickly (which I would have done anyway, even if the other dogs weren't out--I supervise Kazak and clean up after him, remember) after slamming the door and exclaiming "son of a bitch"...

The dogs startled each other and barked somewhat viciously at first but started to sniff each other...I again tried to grab Kazak...there was no tail-wagging and his hair was starting to stand on end. The shepherd wasn't happy either...but it seemed more surprised than anything...I grabbed Kazak and physically put my foot on the other dog's ass and pushed him toward the stairs...he slowly walked over there, and I yelled "Aviv (dude's name), come and get your fucking unsupervised dog out of the yard now!" There was no response...the shepherd was standing there, and I went to get Kazak in the house...he was confused. I told the shepherd to go upstairs...and it slowly kind of obliged...by now, neither dog was barking or anything. I was PISSED. I put Kazak in the house and SLAMMED the door...I walked back out, and over to dude's stairs. I stopped myself from going more than four steps up and saw the dog walkiing into the apt. (which means the hallway door was left open--nice and safe for our nice upstairs neighbor, Marquita)...I yelled at the top of my voice: "Hey ASSHOLE! Come out here and let me tell you about what a FUCK you are. Start supervising your goddamned dogs and cleaning up their shit in the yard asshole. I'm tired of this SHIT!" Keep in mind, I'm screaming this into a gangway between two houses, more or less, so it's amplified. This all around 9:15pm too. Too bad.

No response. I went back in the house...Gina was trying to "calm" Kazak down...she was about to come out there and help me when I let Kazak in. I walked in, and I've never been shaking so much in my life before. I threw my gloves across the room, went to the phone, went to the refrigerator to get my lease. Gina thought I was calling the dude upstairs, and she was like, wait a minute and calm down first. I said, no, I have to be mad for this or my point will be lost. I was shaking so bad I dropped the phone at first...then I couldn't get the battery to stay in. I went and got my cellphone and dialed up the landlord. I told him who I was (he recognized me) and rather furiously, "I'm really sorry to bother you late on Sunday, but you almost just had a dogfight in your yard. I just wanted you to know that and I want this son of a bitch out of here NOW."

He was calm and whatnot...he explained that he's meeting with the attorney on Tuesday and that he got letters from me/Butch and the lady in the front apt. and that our upstairs' neighbor's was on the way, supposedly (there are 4 units, for those keeping track at home). He said he is working on it and that he was going to call us to let us know but he didn't get a chance, and he apologized for it. I eventually calmed down a bit...I told him, I'm sorry if I sounded as though I was mad at you...because I'm not. But understand I just broke two dogs apart and am really pissed at this guy. That, what I wrote in my complaint letter about the dogs coming in contact accidentally had not happened until now, just as I feared it would.

He was understanding and whatnot...and I had calmed enough by the end of the conversation to say, "while I have you here, we still don't have a smoke detector. Can you take care of that, please?" He thought we had one...

Anyway...I was so full of adrenaline and general anger...I apologized to Gina, who said she understood and explained her side. She didn't want me to call the guy upstairs and say something I'd regret later. I thanked her...I told her that typically though I look out of control, I can control my words relatively well. I also said that I'm glad that dude DIDN'T come out, because then I MIGHT HAVE done something drastic, especially if it got more heated than I already was.

I figured out too, why this pisses me off soooooo much. It's two of my biggest things in life. When someone (yes, I'm personifying Kazak here--pets are like people sometimes...kazak is like my child--and you wouldn't understand if you haven't had a dog like him) I love is not safe, I shift into crisis mode. That gets the adrenaline flowing big-time. Second, it's the principle of the thing. It's also flat-out ignorant and a lack of common sense and common courtesy. You guys have listened to me bitch about this for the past few months. It's nothing new...but the anger has been building inside. I'm usually good about letting anger out...but in this case, there's no real outlet. Last night was a culmination of my protect mode and my "principle of the thing" anger mode.

I've seen Kazak get into a fight. I was bit on the hand in that fight. There's no doubt in my mind that had I not acted when I did, we'd have an injured dog or two and a big, big legal mess. And where was this dude? Who knows? Goddamn asshole can't vanish from this complex soon enough. And the funny thing is this: we'll still have to clean his dog's shit after he leaves. Bastard.

Saturday night, Gina and I went to a bar way up north and west...still in the city though...to meet some of her friends for a four-person-birthday party. Four people's birthdays are within a few days or something, so they all celebrated together...they got an upstairs room at this bar and charged $20 all you can drink, whatever you want, basically. The people I had not yet met. But just about every one of them was cool to me. They all threatened to beat my ass if I treated her badly...and a couple of them were, like, serious, it seemed. It's like, wait a second, you don't even know me...but whatever, it was cool.

They had a karaoke machine up there, which ended up sucking...but it allowed me to have some fun. Gina and I sang "Love Shack" except that it was the edited short version, which I'm sure you've all heard at one time or another. So when it got to the shortened part, I was off, and then I just started goofing off. It got to "TIN ROOF! Rusted!" which Gina sang. And I just ended the song on a diatribe about, "Wait, why is it a tin roof? Why does our shack have a tin roof. You know, they're doing fine union work with wood beams and tar and whatnot. We could probably get the roof replaced. And also, why are we in a shack? Why can't we be in a nicer place. I mean, I don't need a mansion..." Gina couldn't stop laughing...

Then we went up to sing "Summer Nights" from Grease...and that was retarded as well. Because for the "Tell me more, tell me more..." part, it just said "Instrumental Break" and we were like, "What?!" So I just started singing that line to the music...again, it threw Gina off and she was cracking up.

At any rate, a good time was had...

Today (Sunday--technically yesterday at this point) was my first Sunday off in months. Woohoo! I spent the day at church and with Gina's family the rest of the day, b/c they all got together for her birthday which was Wednesday. We went to an Italian restaurant called Gianotti's out in Oak Brook. Filled myself up really good on some fish...tilapia, I think it's called...and have plenty left over. Then we went back to her parents' place and had cake, coffee and sat around and relaxed and chatted it up. Again, good times...I got back a few hours ago and attempted to clean my room a bit...got a little done. Still more to do...got sidetracked by reminiscing stuff from an old shoebox with letters and cards and whatnot from some of you and relatives and other penpals and such. Didn't really READ the letters or anything...but enjoyed seeing them in there and remembering who this was and who that was...things like that.

Now, I'm headed for my first working Monday in several months. It shouldn't be too bad, I guess. but we'll see. Now, I'm tired...goodnight for now, folks. :)