That's it.
I'm done.
I just cannot win.
I can't.
So, as of now, I officially give up.

I'm tired...I'm just tired. No matter what I do, I can't win. Today, I go to get my car fixed...the blower motor. My dad, thankfully, had one laying around. Great. Even changed my oil. I will pay him back for his time (I picked up breakfast...big deal, $6) eventually. But I successfully got things taken care of without worrying about shelling out my money. Even washed the car at the dealership for nothing. Not spotless, but you know what? Pretty damn better looking than it had been.

Now, about five minutes ago, after finishing vacuuming for about 2.5 hours everything in sight, I sit down to check email...I hear a car accelerate outside, and then hear a slight crashing crack as the car speeds by. Before I could get up to look, I realize, great, my car alarm is sounding...fantastic.

My driver's side mirror, which survived a light tapping months ago to hang by the wires but remain functional, is now in about four dozen pieces all over the street. The main part of it, I couldn't even find when I went to get as much of the glass out of the street as possible. Will the jackass come back? Doubtful, probably impossible. Did I see the car? Sadly, I didn't react quickly enough, even though I was near the window. The fact that I heard it was a stroke of luck anyway, given all the vaccuuming I'd been doing, only to stop to basically hear this.

But it kills me. I lived for 20 years down the street from a tavern (my parents' house), and only once did anyone hit any family car. Now, I live here, where there aren't any taverns on the corner, and I've been clipped twice.

I had driven screws into the thing to hold it on...and as stupid as that looked, it worked, and I successfully avoided having to buy a new mirror, which would cost about $80, part alone. Now, I just want to freakin' cry. Because I can't win.

And it's not even just the money factor. It's like, great, a weight lifted off my shoulders in getting the car fixed, and I get about three hours to relish it, and then something else happens.

I get one damned thing taken care of, and something else falls right in my lap. No matter how much I talk about changing this "money wasting" cycle, it goes on without my consent.

This, folks, is a main reason why I have no money and why I bitch. Because things like this happen, over which I have little to no control. Maybe these things happen to everyone, but man, it sure doesn't seem like it. And I realize that this is obviously, in the grand scheme of things, very minimal...(not direct shots at any of you, just examples...) I don't have to worry about getting shot at work, I don't have to worry about surgeries and my health (to an extent), I don't have to worry about being treated like horseshit and phased out at my job and I don't have to worry about much that's all that important.

But this is like getting beaten up psychologically. And that's not easy when it's a continual pummelling.

This is not to mention the fact that I wasn't in the mood for this...given that I threw out my lower back this morning...so my back is sore and now my brain and psyche as well.

I did not post this for pity, is the point of one of the above paragraphs. I posted it because I need to vent. I need to tell someone, and since I'm a journalist, well, this is my journal and I will write it here. You can read if you want, or continue on with your lives. Either way is fine...it has served its purpose.